Deadly One
the curves of the body, the glossiness of the lips.
a structure built for strength, muscles built to conquer.
the smoothness of the thick and tangible mess, the swiftness of andar.
tough exterior, yet eyes penetrate souls.
the touch of a swan; elegant. divine. the lashes as long as a fall.
deepness illiterates the power,
Unreachable?
God eludes purfectness.
found?
The vibration, the images, the ideas; these extremities,
To the unknown.
for a person who does so...
trapped.
suction of Beauty.
I like your style here and how you start with a list of details. Couple of criticisms: be consistent with capitalization--you start the poem with none, but then start using it. If you have "the touch" you should also have "the vibration." A couple of word choices should also be rethought:not sure what "andar" or "illiterates" means. "purectness" should be "perfection" but I'm not sure I am crazy about that particular stanza--it seems a little abrupt.
ReplyDeleteYou have good and interesting word choice overall and although the poem ends on a good note I wonder if it could keep going.
For the changes in capitalization and whatnot, I think I get where you're going with that. Especially since it comes after you first mention God. Like Thorpe said, 'purfectness' should be with an 'e' unless you're going for some poetic justice (that's what it's called, right?). And if you are going for that, then maybe play it up a bit. Because I think what you're going for is this idea of being primal and vicious and maybe even barbaric, and then you transition into something more tamed and elegant. All of that is there, but it just needs to be adjusted a bit. This is a bit rambly, but I think you should emphasize the God aspect and put more of a separation between what goes on before the God stanza and what goes on after the God stanza.
ReplyDeleteAll in all, lovely poem that is already very intense, but just needs a few tweaks to add to the intensity. :)
I like the beginning of this poem and how it starts out with intense detail, but I agree with Thorpe, that it needs consistency all throughout because I feel as though it starts to go downwards after the third stanza. I also agree with Calley, that you should emphasize more on the God aspect because it is a little bit "abrupt" as Thorpe stated before.
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