The
needles don’t bother me,
(the ones for drawing
blood)
Then I see the big one
(for the
bone marrow)
And I panic
(I control myself)
They give me
anesthetic
(I
feel disconnected)
The
needle goes deep in my hip
(dives
right in)
I watch as it slowly
sinks further
(my
skin puckers around the needle)
as the vial
fills
(a
red substance)
as it
reemerges
(a
blood bubble forms where it leaves)
They
send me home saying the results will take a few days
(I’m not sure I can
wait)
Imagine
all of this because of
low iron, (not enough
meat, so what?)
tiredness,
(I am a teenager)
a
couple of bruises (they have been there awhile)
It’s
probably nothing.
(I’m worried)
I like how the reader can see inside the speakers mind. The thoughts in the parentheses gives the poem feeling and helps the reader understand and connect with the speaker. The diction, like "puckers", provides the reader with an image. The imagery throughout the poem is sort of tide in with the feeling of the poem because being able to visualize the speaker in this situation helps the reader feel what the speaker feels. Again, the structure of this poem is good. I think that if you would have made the poem a shape poem it would have maybe been a little more compelling.
ReplyDeleteI love this poem's imager. It's spot. I feel like I'm there. I litterally cringed you described getting a shot so good. It was gross. I assure you I mean that as a compliment. I love how you put things in parentheses. The only thing I would say to work on is the flow. The choppiness, I like that at the beginning. But at the end, I don't know. It's just a few sentence aren't need in my opinion. "Imagine all of this because of" is an an example of one I could do with out that. It's just out of place. I'd just play with it some more. I just read what I wrote it's kind of confusing. I'm having trouble putting my thinking into words. If you have any Q's, feel free to ask. You've got a great poem here though.
ReplyDeleteAgreeing with Tania I do really enjoy the way we get to see what the girl is really thinking, an interesting twist that provides the poem with something I don't think I've seen before. I like how at first she just is describing everything that is going on and how she feels (or makes herself control) in her head and then at the end we are privy to see what she is really hiding. What she hasn't let herself think the whole time. I would be interested to see what the results are and during the waiting period what she does/thinks. awesome job!
ReplyDeleteHonestly, this poem kind of freaked me out a bit haha! But it gives off that intense feeling of the character and I thought it was clever how you separated the stanzas to make us read it carefully and the parentheses(?) were a great addition because it helped us understand what the person was thinking while they were going through all of what was happening.
ReplyDelete