I saw you
once,
Walking down
the street on a bright sunny day.
You looked pleasantly
surprised to see me, but I could not respond.
Eyes locked,
you reached to hold
And I looked
away, eyes cast down at the ground.
Your face
twisted with confusion,
Of hurt and
something else.
“Why won’t
you look at me?” I think you asked.
That was
when my heart clenched and the world grew still,
The sound of
silence filled my ears.
I thought of
all the ways to tell you,
Anything to
make this easier,
On you and
on me.
But all the words
had gone,
Escaped from
my throat.
“You’re
dead,” the words slipped.
And then it
made sense.
You realized
your mistake and were gone without a final word.
Just one
last look before you left me alone.
After a
moment I turned around and decided to walk the way I just came,
Back to my
house, behind the closed door
Before I saw
you that bright sunny day.
I love the juxtaposition of the sunny day and the sad tone of the poem. I also like how you used words such as "still", "alone", "silence" and other similar phrases to carry out the idea that this person the speaker is seeing is no longer with them. This poem really makes me think about if the speaker actually saw this person or if they're so sad about not having them in their life that they thought they had. I love how you made it seem almost as if the speaker could go back in time simply by walking back they way they came, which leads me to even more wondering about whether or not this person is dealing with their grief in a healthy manner, or seeking to avoid it alltogether. That being said, I think you've done remarkable amount of characterization for the speaker in such a short piece. I think you may want to consider modifying "you reached to hold" to "you reached to hold me" or something similar, otherwise it might sound as if the phrase is incomplete. Maybe, when the speaker casts their eyes to the ground, you might consider giving an image of what they see there. For example, the cracks in the pavement may allude to their feelings over losing this person. Overall, I really enjoyed this poem. Keep up the good work! :)
ReplyDeleteI enjoy how the poem is like when you rewind a movie, I can see it in my head the person walking backwards, like he is being rewound. I really love these lines "That was when my heart clenched and the world grew still,
ReplyDeleteThe sound of silence filled my ears." very beautiful, I could really imagine the surprise and shock.I also like how most of the lines have periods, each line a strong statement and realization. overall, very lovely.
The bright sunny day compliments the person who is "dead" and is a nice foil to the person who cannot look. The joy and confusion being juxtaposed with the inability to make eye contact and despair is nice. The person who cannot look has troubles remembering the incident it seems, like they have indeed rewound the day and do not have a clear memory of the event, which is quite lovely. The lines "That was when my heart clenched and the world grew still," through "Escaped from my throat." make the despair felt tangible and make the emotions and the physical responses described easy to imagine and even feel, I think they may be my favorite lines. The final five lines convey the despair and the need to just erase it well. I just really love this, it has wonderful imagery and the emotions are conveyed well enough that I feel them, and can empathize.
ReplyDeleteI love how the poem doesn't even need strong outside descrptions to convey the strong feelings that both sides can feel. The simple telling of the facial expressions gives it away. And I like ho weverything stay very close in, the whole event takign place very close to each other, but then it contrasts to the whole sunny day, which expands across the sky.
ReplyDeleteI like how cold this poem is. I like how you were making them come down from their cloud of stupidity/happiness to make them realize what they had done and then I like how you made it seem as though you wanted to turn back time at the very end because you came off that you've been walking around with all of this pain inside of you, yet it has a great contrast of the gloomy feel while it's sunny outside.
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